trauma

Merging onto the beltway on Friday, slipped on an icy patch, spun left, steered right, spun right, went 360 degrees across all four lanes, crashed into the jersey wall twice, and totaled my car.

But, I didn't hit any other cars, didn't get a ticket, and didn't sustain any major injuries besides a fractured left thumb.

What.

-Jade

shoe porn, lingerie porn, real porn

 

topshop, la perla

Massive Attack Paradise Circus from sabakan on Vimeo.



-Lola

new year's

H (and lots of alcohol) made Lola cry.
Sweetness was stranded in Brooklyn.
Boyfriend puked five fucking times.

Oh hey, 2010!

-Jade

i'm going to complain now, for the sake of mankind

Things that need to be stopped dead in their tracks before they become the new gaucho pants.

1. Shaving half your head
You would think that most people would be inclined to avoid this, but ever since people started getting fashion inspiration from homeless people (thanks, Erin), you never know. So here goes—only Alice Dellal can do this. Her mother is a Brazilian model, and her father is a British millionaire. She’s been in Paris Vogue. People will love her despite the fact that she looks like an alien bounty hunter. Unless you fit that description, just say no, and give your boyfriend back his electric razor.
2. Pleated leather shorts
Leather is trendy. We get it. Buy a jacket. Do not buy a pair of overpriced shorts that will be unreasonably warm and sticky in “shorts weather”. The fashion industry is clearly mocking all us people who have thighs that measure more than 10 inches around. Carine Roitfeld and Karl Lagerfeld probably host parties to think of this kind of bull. What can we do to make the masses look like they have triangle-shaped elephant-skin legs? Front pleats!.... AND LEATHER. The same goes for pleated leather pants. And overalls.
3. People not wearing pants
I don’t mean people wearing leggings, I mean people literally not wearing pants. A leotard is only an outfit if you are in the Olympic games. There is a weird trend in editorials lately where the models are wearing no bottoms AT ALL. Should we just give up? Is the new recession-friendly trick to save money now wearing or buying pants anymore?

And although I fear this may be too late… don’t wear harem pants. You look like you’re wearing a diaper.

-Lola

P.S.
I strongly dislike winter
44 mph winds, feels like -5
not encouraging me to walk to the gym.

back to reality. the DR log. long and convoluted.

Just got back from the Dominican Republic. Stepping into the 47 degree weather was shitaceous after all I had been used to was this:

So the second night we were there was our first night out, out. We bought some exorbitantly priced drinks (EVERYTHING SO EXPENSIVE. HEART ATTACK YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE. $8.50/cocktail $6/shot) and chilled out on the docks at the Marina. We met this fat Dominican kid, Juan, who took us to Chavon, the place with all the clubs. I was a super novelty item and everybody there oohed and ahhed and I met this kid Andreis (spelling..?) who goes to school in Boston and plays the geeeeetarr in a band (a band! gasppp!) and was super nice but not particularly attractive. But I was drunk so it was iight. Andreis is Dominican...meaning he didn't make a move...but gave me a hug. I LOLED. We get home; everybody is happy and safe.

The next day Andreis calls me...to tell me he can't hang out with me. Once again, I LOLED. I do not understand this culture. But clearly I made an indelible mark on the band t-shirt skinny jean wearing guitarist. That day my friend Freckled Dominican comes to stay at the house with me and mah boyz. We go out, buy some cheap rum, and I am pretty wobbly fairly quickly. We come across some boarding school bitches (mah favee) and let's call them Skinny, Lax, TryToBeHappyPlease, and FatherHasGolddiggingGirlfriend. We hang out at the Marina getting all familiar and whatnot, then end up eight in a golfcart on our way to the beach, where we sneak past the guards and proceed to strip and run into the ocean. We swim, drink rum, get back into golfcart where Lax hangs on for dear life on the back (hilarity) and get home safely except for a security escort because Freckled Dominican makes a wrong turn. Mah boyz (particularly Brotherly Judgmental One) are not pleased. Brotherly Judgmental One gets pissed at me, claims I am using him, and is generally very mean. I try to call Emoticon. Freckled Dominican snatches phone away.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. Not really. Beach, bye Freckled Dominican, eat, lounge, eat, get ready to go out. We pregame with some cheap rum, then go to Onno's bar/club place where we meet a troupe of SUPER RICH MEXICANS.  They keep giving me rum and cokes; it is like He Who Must Not Be Named cursed my drink to always be filled. Arturo, 20-year old SENIOR AT KENT PLACE BOARDING SCHOOL. THAT IS ONE OLD SENIOR. Bound for Endicott. Got a 1430 on his SATs. I pick them so well. Grabs drunk me steers me to a wall, we hook up, Brotherly Judgmental One is screaming my name, I run back. He is pissed, we get back safe enough. See the pattern? We always get back safe, and Brotherly Judgmental One is always not pleased.

Next night is pretty much drunken dancing haze with boarding school bitches. Dancing in circles, like a boss. Getting home okay, like a boss. Next night similar drunken haze. No real details just fun to have silly boys salivating over your noveltyness and buying you countless free drinks. Like a boss. The days pass with the beautiful pattern of beach, food, pool, food, lounge, pregame, bar, home safe. We decide we want to sleep and save our livers one night so we stay in.

Then last night. I put on my spankies, my modern day chastity belt to ward off would be attackers. We go to the Piano Bar, this old school eighties hilariously tacky bar with tons of neon lights and "groovy" furniture. And no people normally. Brotherly Judgmental One loves the piano bar; we ended up starting every night there for the ceremonial first drink. So we did not expect to see the influx of people. We soon discovered that it was free drinks until midnight. Game on. We drink, boarding school bitches come parents and little sisters in tow (huhhhhhhh???) drink with us. Then I am coming out of the bathroom and stumble upon none other but Andreis. Ay. All is cordial. Then he's like hey, A-Rod is here, and I'm like Whatttttt???? and he's like do you want to meet him and I'm like YES PUHREASE. So I meet fucking A-ROD and I am so pumped, but blathering a bit, awkward and shaking his hand, and being like wait I just met A-Rod what what what the man is giant in person. The only question is: what was he doing at a defunct bar frequented by many people only because of free drinks? He must be cheap. So then Andreis and I get drinks and "go for a walk." People are all the same. Everything begins with something along the lines of "let's go for a walk." You're not fooling me! I know we're not just going for a walk! Gah! But whatever. He introduced me to A-Rod, wasn't gross looking, and was nice and we had lovely conversation. So I hooked up with him and he got through the spankies, then I ran back to my friends who were, of course, looking for me.

It is 12, Piano Bar is dead, so we go to Chavon to Onno's and Papa Jacks where we come across these kids the boarding school bitches had met a few days ago. Two more boarding school bitches, only more fucked up with lots of drug use and the like. NBD. They're adopted brothers, as they frankly tell me, and the older one (not cute, definitely druggie) got kicked out of Endicott (TWO ENDICOTT PEOPLE) was bitchslapping a girl in the face. The other one (cuteeeeeee) is also a fuck up but less so and cuteeeee in a two ex-boyfriends mixed into one boy kind of way but more on the cute side. We go to dance at Papa Jacks and I get attacked by male pelvises, but slut my way over to cute fuck up brother who dances SO WELL. SO WELL FOR A WHITE KID. SO WELL. He wasn't all passive and expectant, or just moving side to side, but moving with me and danced so well and even kind of took control and so it was super hot and I was getting all down on the dance floor. I hate PDA, but I was drunk enough that I just hooked up with cute fuck up brother on the dance floor...on stools...up against the wall...it was sloppy but super hot. And reason I think he's a gentleman? When we danced my skirt would ride up and he so nicely would pull it back down. While dancing really well. Of course, friends and boarding school bitches who weren't getting any or doing anything had to be all "we didn't know where you were!" and Brotherly Judgmental One was all you've had enough to drink you were making out with that fucked up druggie guys and steered me outside. Outside, cute fuck up brother kept trying to be chivalrous and "protect" me and shit from random-seeming guys who came up to talk to me. Brotherly Judgmental type made us leave.

Morals of the story: don't go out to bars with Brotherly Judgmental types. Bring condoms with you because boys are useless (WHO FORGETS THAT KIND OF STUFF?). And don't fuck up your heel while hopping gates to amphitheatres.

Life is good.

-Sweetness

hopeless me

the vagablog

Some things that have been worrying me...

1. Fedora calls, begs me to come over. I grudgingly oblige, excited to try out the "ecstasys". I arrive, feet frozen and call. No answer. Over and over. I may be obsessive here, but each time I called the amount of times the phone rang kept changing. Fuck me, right? I have Captain Mother delete him from my phone book. The next day Fedora sends me "yoooo. my bad about yesterday." and no further explanation. But then he left me a really nice message. And so I did answer after he called me four times. Bad. Bad. I really don't like him.

2. My family. My grandmother's husband thinks that the CIA and the secret assassin ring in the Catholic Church are out to steal all the oil from the "A-Rabs." He also thinks Afghanistan is an "A-Rab" country and has oil. And that the story of Doubting Thomas involves a cartoon bunny. And that lighting my grandmother on fire while she tries to serve cherries jubilee is not a big deal.

3. H's ex-girlfriend is back in town. Last time she was here she cried when she saw him with another girl and then hooked up with a petite boy. But still.

4. Today is Caterpillar's birthday and that means his friend who is not my type but I did some high intensity cuddling with is in town. I am unsure about what this means.

-Lola

christmas wish

Merry Christmas!

After thinking long and hard, I realized that there's only one thing I want this year -- Asians to stop dying their hair. Please, we know your hair is black. Do you really think you're fooling anyone with those honey highlights? What's worse is when they wear colored contacts, too. I know the goal is to look like an anime character, but there's such a thing as taking it too far...

In all seriousness, I told Boyfriend I wanted a fitness ring for Christmas (Lola told me they were amazing). He looked at me like I was crazy. "A... fitness ring?" Yes, god damn it, a fitness ring! I'd rather have toned abs than another plush Korean thing.

vs.

It's a win-win, sweetie.

-Jade